It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England...

... We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot.

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch
Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't.
Arthur: Well, what's that, then?
Black Knight: I've had worse.

Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes, I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound.

Villagers: We've found a witch. May we burn her?
Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, she turned me into a newt.
Bedevere: A newt?
Villager: I got better.

We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able...

God: Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Arthur: Good idea, O Lord!
God: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur - The Quest for the Holy Grail.

Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

French Guard: I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He already has one you see.

Galahad: He says they've already got one.
Arthur: Are you sure?

French Guard: Oh yes it's very nice
Arthur: Well can we come up and have a look?
French Guard: Of course not. You are English types.
Arthur: Well what are you then?
French Guard: I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent you silly king

Arthur: If you do not show us the Grail we shall take this castle by force.
French Guard: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets.

Galahad: What a strange person.
Arthur: Now look here, my good man
French guard: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

French Guard: Fetchez la vache.
Other French Guard: Quoi?
French Guard: Fetchez la vache!

Arthur: What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
Arthur: Who leaps out?
Bedevere: Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...
Arthur: Ohh.

Famous Historian: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually.

The Tale of Sir Robin...

All Heads: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
Robin: I am.
Left Head: In that case, I shall have to kill you.
Middle Head: Shall I?
Right Head: Oh, I don't think so.

The Tale of Sir Galahad...

Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Galahad: It's not the real Grail?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad.

GET ON WITH IT!!

GET ON WITH IT!!

Dingo: Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!

Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot: No, it's too perilous...

Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Lancelot: No, I'm not.

We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!...

...We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!

The tale of Sir....

...Go on - clear off...

...Bloody weather

The tale of Sir Lancelot...

Lancelot: I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Head Knight: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
Arthur: What is that?
Head Knight: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'...

...We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pitang-zoop-boing"

Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
Head Knight: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery...

...Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.

Enchanter: I am an enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Enchanter: There are some who call me... 'Tim'

Enchanter: Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance

Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh!

As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue

Bridgekeeper: What is your name?
Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time...

...How you English say, 'I one more time, how you say, unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behaviour?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.

CHARGE!!!!!!!!!